Did'ja get yer tickets?

Laws passed in Arizona following the attempted assassination of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords are similar to California’s. Some believe that these laws create a myriad of inconveniences when purchasing a gun. In the words of Homer Simpson, “But I’m angry noowww.”

Lets break it down. Because of Brady Act, California has a 10-day waiting period between the purchase and delivery of a handgun after you have proven that none of the following apply to you (injury.findlaw.com):

1. Were convicted of a crime punishable by being in prison for more than one year;

2. Are a fugitive from justice;

3. Are addicted to, or illegally use, any controlled substance;

4. Have been ruled mentally defective by a court, or are committed to a mental institution;

5. Are an illegal alien living in the United States unlawfully;

6. Received a dishonorable discharge from the U.S. Armed Forces;

7. Renounced your U.S. citizenship, if you are a U.S. citizen;

8. Are subject to a court restraining order that involves your 'intimate partner,' your partner's child, or children; or

9. Were convicted of domestic violence in any court of a misdemeanor.

These rules are stupid. Here’s why:

1. My friend's dad went to a white-collar prison for three years for tax evasion. He needs a gun to protect himself from loan sharks. What now?

2. I am a fugitive from freedom. Can I buy a gun in the name of Communism?

3. I'm not addicted. I can quit anytime.

4. Since when do gun dealers make hospital visits?

5. If I'm an illegal alien, I'm not getting my gun from the government. My printed money doesn't even come from the government.

6. This one, I have to admit, makes sense.

7. Can I buy a gun in the name of Communism?

8. What if someone besides a former sex friend has a restraining order out on me? This thing can fire from 500 ft away, right?

9. Aw man. I wasn't gonna shoot her, just give her a good pistol whipping.

As a lifetime member of the NRA, the flaws in this system sadden me. Before you look at me strangely, the membership was a Sweet 16 gift from my uncle who thought I was getting too soft living in the city and needed some culture. He in turn refuses to “stick his big toe in mentally-ill, liberal California” because of the aforementioned laws that “infringe on my [his] 2^nd amendment rights.” Go Ducks.

Because of his Oregon residency, my uncle is able to go “domestic cat hunting” and breed dogs on his 10-acre lot. His doublewide trailer is home to a wide range of shotguns, handguns, rifles, Chinese throwing stars, nun chucks, and an extensive Under Armor wardrobe. Graveyard shift at a prison in Hermaston, OR, (“They call it medium security to keep the townspeople at ease, but it’s actually maximum security”) means that he is, in fact, nocturnal, so getting a call from him at 3 am in NYC asking editorial advice on the “post apocalypse survival book” he is writing didn’t come as a surprise.

Further grievances to settle: the NRA misunderstood my registration card. My ID now boasts an enraged bald eagle and the moniker “Tata Morales”. They refused to correct this vowel confusion when I brought the issue to the NRA’s attention. Tata’s for life.