So about this star business

According to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, a natural change in the earth’s axis has overridden the current astrological system. The signs, they are a’ changing, and in this recession, I find toying with people’s emotions quite petty.

People are freaking out about losing a key part of their personality, and having to change their Facebook astrology subscription.

The realm of Cancer lost some good people, including some personal friends of mine, but perhaps they will be happy in their new home. No time to ponder what could have been. Move on! There are plenty more zodiacs in the sea - including some fresh meat I’ll get to later.

Personally, I completely agree with everything horoscopes say about my personality, but don’t waste my time on what they think about my Venus regression this month, as it sounds more like razor burn than some luck in the romance department. I believe that because I am such a true Cancer (homebody, relationship person, sensitive, moody, creative), July 20th was left alone.

Unfortunately however, my birthday is the new Gemini/Cancer cusp, and I belong to both signs. This is a problem. Some of my least favorite people have been Geminis (I’m sure it was more of a personal than a galaxy-wide issue), and I am upset to now be so closely associated with the twins. But it could be worse.

What’s worse: Everyone born between November 29^th and December 17^th now belong to the sign Ophiuchus. This, I refuse to believe. This change does not affect me in any way, and I know a few people for who this unpronounceable sign is probably a good match. But that would be difficult to say considering no one knows anything about it because the Star Tribune made it up.

Messing with the pop culture staple of personal horoscopes is highly unnecessary, and how anyone has the time to be bored with the Universes’ current state of being should take a minute to examine my tan line from today. It’s January. (It should also be noted that San Diego saw exactly 6 days of sun the entire summer). Talk about a precession change in axis.