"Go on, take a bite."

No, I’m not getting the iPhone for Verizion – and no, its not just because I’m poor.

First of all, Steve Jobs is a cashtitute. Apple gets to start the whole game over again with a different network. Verizion customers are 4 generations behind AT&T. If you wanted your phone to do everything but wipe your ass you probably already switched carriers. Or got a droid.

I am personally acquainted with someone who owns what seems like every possible Apple product, which I have renamed his CrackPad, CrackPhone, CrackMac, and CrackTouch. Why one person needs to own the bridge (iPad) between the iPhone and MacBook Pro when they already own both is beyond me. Also, I thought your phone was smart enough to store all your music. Why do you have an iPod that looks just like your phone? Do you get confused?

Case in point: Steve Jobs has made Apple products so appealing even my father wants an iPad. When he told me this I reminded him he doesn’t even have an email address. Whether Steve Jobs pulling people by their wallets into this century is his gift to a generation or his borderline criminal masterpiece is difficult to say.

On the other end of the spectrum, after my phone recently took a dive (9.5/10 points) into my green tea, I was introduced (by what used to be a friend before he made this suggestion) to John’s Phone. “The simplest phone in the world” can’t text, can’t go on the web, and has no caller ID. What kind of an accomplishment is that? My mother sold phones like yours in the 90’s. The John’s Phone comes with a free address book so you can frantically flip through your Rolodex (another invention I thought was extinct) to see if the person calling you is your date for Friday or your stalker. (Good luck figuring it out in time!) Going backwards is stupid. Even stupider than the thought of Skyping on a four inch screen.

I know my phone isn’t as smart as yours, but I like my enV 2. I like my keyboard with real keys because I taught myself how to type 72 words a minute in 3^rd grade. Also, I’m not coordinated enough to use a touch screen. Even the mouse on my new MacBook Pro startles me when it zooms without prompting. (A tip of the hat to Jobs for making colleges almost exclusively Mac friendly.)

Long story short: I like being smarter than my phone, but going retro is for hipsters.