Preparation - 3 hours
Cook Time - 6 hours
Ingredients:
1 Birthday Girl
1 Gay
1 Justin Bieber look-alike
7 Body piercings (not counting ears) and 3 tattoos between everyone present
1 Yellow cake with chocolate frosting
1 Champagne slushie (an amazing accident)
1 Tube of Cherry Chapstick
1 Rack of Diet Coke
1 iPod
1 Run to Rigobertos
1 Game of Truth or Dare
Directions:
1. Slowly stir in all body piercings and party guests, preferably in an outdoor setting. Then, introduce (the most amazing) cake. However beautiful the cake is, make sure you smash it to bits while attempting to slice it before serving.
2. After a while, pour in Champagne slushie, make sure it's an accident though, so Birthday Girl eats it off the counter.
3. Let sit for 30 minutes - be sure to pepper in some Justin Bieber remarks.
4. Walk down the street to Rigobertos mexican restaurant 30 minutes before it closes, so it feels like you rented out the classy joint simply for your purposes.
5. After some Cherry Chapstick and dancing, let simmer.
6. Lastly, somehow maneuver 7 people into a queen size bed for a throwback game of truth or dare. (Optional: Have everyone make out with the gay friend. Not sure why, but adds a bit of an extra kick)
7. Make sure no one in the room thinks hickeys are funny. Especially ones that are so large and dark they can actually be passed off as an abuse injury.
8. Finally, Be sure to mock Justin Bieber for snoring like a harpooned baby beluga whale - all night.
Optional - Clean Up
(approx. 2 hours)
Ingredients:
1 Swifter mop
1 Power hose
1 Gigantic trash can
2 Rolls of paper towels
Directions:
1. Spray down deck (be sure to change hose setting to JET)
2. Swifter everything, including countertops. Everything that can't be swiftered, soak up with paper towels.
3. Go to the beach.
Happy Birthday Mary! Hope surviving your childhood was as exciting for you as it was for the rest of us.
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