"Yo, strippers just need to be more upfront..."

"Wanna go someplace and have some fun?"

"Uhh no."

"Wait, what did she even mean?"

"She was asking you if you wanted a private dance in the back room. It's $20. Do you want one?"

"Why didn't she just say that then? Strippers need to be more upfront."

20 minutes go by, and we realize that particular stripper was the one that got away, as she was the most attractive in the club by far. The rest of them ranged from actually disgusting to possibly attractive -- until you went to the girl's bathroom and saw them in the florescent light.

On one of those trips to the bathroom, a short-haired, big-breasted stripper asked me if I was trying to fix my hair. Apparently my almost-conservative, half-up, style was unacceptable in this establishment. She proceeded to take all my bobby pins out, part my hair on the other side, and tease it at the roots with her fingernails. She goes, "Much better! You should totally work here, you're drop dead gorgeous." I look in the mirror. I look like I just fought a wildebeest. I guess this is the look that sells nowadays. I thank her and exit quickly, making a beeline for my bottomless, non-alcoholic drink tickets (Tip: be wary of strip clubs that don't sell alcohol. They are generally strange and terrifying places).

Another mystery of the night are the stamps they put on your hand for reentry. They feature a cheetah, and say Fa_ Cat above it. All of our stamps had two of the last letters blurred together, so we are arguing between it actually saying "Fatt Cat", "Fast Cat", "Fart Cat", "Face Cat", or "Fact Cat". Either way, I'm not convinced these stamps were made custom for the club.

Besides the stripper with a heart of gold I met in the bathroom, the rest are downright forceful. They walk around the room expecting you to put money in their panties (which they double up, still have yet to discover the reason for doing so) when you are either asleep, like me (I took a total of 6 naps over the 3 hour course of our adventures in Stripperland), or you clearly are traumatized, like my friend Mary. To be honest, I've never felt straighter in my life than at that club. I don't know if too many gross boobs desensitizes you, or if the exact purpose of girls going to those places is to make them want to find a boyfriend to make out with. Safe to say my first - and hopefully last - stripper extravaganza did not make me a believer. I did, however, get proposed to by the bouncer, so I guess that counts for something.

Two and a half hours after stating his feelings about strippers being upfront, my friend is on stage, in a chair against the main stripper pole. He has a 5'1 asian girl with about 2 feet of tattoo coverage and 3 feet of hair extensions on top of him. Her crotch is in her face, and he is about to get on all fours and get hit with a doubled up leather belt. I'm pretty sure it doesn't get any more upfront than that.